


Love calculators fucking suck.

by j_obsessed



Category: Cricket RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Jealousy, Joe is a little sad, Jos makes it better, M/M, Sleepy Cuddles, it is mild angst i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:54:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24074770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_obsessed/pseuds/j_obsessed
Summary: No one. i repeat NO ONE. Messes with my Josephs. I was emotional. This happened.
Relationships: (past) Jos Buttler/Craig Kieswetter, Jos Buttler/Joe Root
Comments: 12
Kudos: 16





	Love calculators fucking suck.

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY SO.   
> Normally, I don't write fics like this- (okay so I do, sometimes)   
> But someone had the audacity to tell me that Jos doesn't love Joey, and listed some alternate names.   
> And attempted to back their assumptions with a love calculator.   
> I, did not take this well.   
> This is the product of my emotions.   
> Hopefully some of you enjoy it 😅😅😅😅

Jos is confused. Joe has been mad at him all day.

Not like, the soft kind of mad, that’s like ‘you didn’t run the washing machine’ or ‘you forgot to put the dishwasher on last night’ or something like that, that is usually solved within a matter of seconds, with hugs or a borrowed shirt or a good snog against the kitchen counter. No. Joe is actually _angry_ with him. Cold shoulder angry. Will not stand within three feet angry. And the kicker, did not kiss him when he came home angry.

And Jos hasn’t the foggiest idea as to why. Not a damn clue. He supposes that makes him a bad boyfriend at the moment, but he really doesn’t know what he’s done. He’s been through the last twenty-four hours’ events in his head, almost a thousand times. And literally, nothing eventful comes to mind. Well. Except last night… that was definitely, uh, eventful, to say the least. But still… that’s the good kind of eventful. Fast forward a bit.

He didn’t fall asleep before Joe last night… (the younger was well out of it after their post-dinner events, and Jos _did_ go through those particular events just a few times more than necessary- only to assure himself…). He didn’t kick Joe off the bed while they were asleep (it happened ONCE let him live). And he didn’t ignore (or accidentally throw a pillow at) the younger this morning when he was woken up. They actually even made breakfast together!

Jos wasn’t present at lunch, or for the few hours after that, because he had a team meet with the Lancashire boys- and, well, his boyfriend, is the basically the most Yorkshire person to ever Yorkshire. Then he caught up with his friend Louise for coffee- and despite her insistence to have dinner, he actually cut their catch up even shorter than planned, because he was missing his boyfriend. He hasn’t accidentally ignored any calls or texts, and from what he knows, Joe didn’t have any matches lined up today, that could’ve put him in such a bad mood.

So in actual fact, Jos is incredibly confused.

Ever since he’s come home, Joe hasn’t said a word to him. Not even one word. It must be the first time in almost three years, that he’s come home, and hasn’t had Joe jump into his arms the minute he’s opened the door. It’s worrying him. A lot. Because Joe, has never ignored him for this long. Ever. From the moment they met, it had been incessant chatter that annoyed the fuck out of both Ali and Jimmy, resulting in the two being roomed together- especially after _that_ particular series in India where Joe; “would not shut the fuck up Ali, I’m telling you, I’m not fucking around here, if I have to room with Joe one more time, and I have to listen to him talk about Jos Buttler’s thighs for another second, I will legitimately strangle him, I don’t care how brilliant a batsman he is, I will step in his place and cover drive myself to a double century. I’ll room with you, fuck I’ll room by self in a storage cupboard Ali, please help me _please_.” – Jimmy Anderson.

And where Jos; “literally would not stop going on about Joe’s blue eyes and his hair and how cute he is and how gorgeous his arms are and for fucks sake Ali I swear on my life, if I hear another word about Joseph Root come out of Jos Buttler’s mouth, I will end up throwing him out of the window. Or running him over with the bus. I’ll wicket keep for the rest of the matches and you can bring Finny in to replace me. And no, I don’t give a fuck that I’ll be charged with third degree murder, I will find a fucking way Alastair, I mean it.” – Stuart Broad.

The relief on Jimmy and Stu’s faces, (and also Ali’s, but that was better hidden) and the ecstasy on the younger blonde’s, resulted in a long history of Joe and Jos sharing rooms on almost every tour.

So you see, this current situation, is cause for concern.

In fact, Jos has tried apologising as well. Granted, he doesn’t really know what he is apologising for, but twice, he’s walked into their bedroom to find the younger batsman, and attempt to acquit himself of whatever absolutely immoral and sinful wrong he’s committed, that warrants this type of _anger_.

The first time, the younger refused to listen to him, and completely blocked him out, very absorbed in whatever he was doing on his laptop.

The second time he went in to try apologising again, almost an hour and a half later, Joe was _still_ sat on his side of the bed, staring at the laptop on his lap, with a very stern, very displeased and _very_ infuriated expression. The younger only gave him an incredibly suspicious look, slammed the laptop shut and stormed off into the study. He’s locked himself in there for the past two hours. Jos left a plate of pasta at the door, since the younger wouldn’t even come out to eat. He heard the door unlock, and the plate was no longer sitting out there, so he’s at least relieved that Joe has eaten something.

But now it’s getting to almost 11pm, and Jos is tired. Exhausted, actually. But he hasn’t gone to bed without his fluffy little boyfriend for so long, and he is not about to start doing that now.

In all honesty, he doesn’t really have a choice, because his body will physically not allow his brain to shut down unless his boyfriend is tucked into his side, and happy. It’s an actual thing.

Stu makes fun of him for it all the time. He’s not really one to talk, because he can’t sleep unless he’s called Finny and spoken to him for at least three hours.

Back during their South Africa tour, in 2019, they weren’t rooming together for one of the tests, management had provided a changeup for some reason. Both of them apparently ‘fell ill due to a sickness bug tearing through the squad.’

See, what actually happened, was that neither of them could sleep, or eat, or function like normal human beings, because they weren’t sleeping next to each other for those few nights. They were both in _really_ bad shape. Due to the supposed situation, they were shifted into a room together (inevitably) to prevent other players from catching this circulating ‘bug’.

In less than one day- literally, overnight, they were both perfectly fine. Playing better than they had been the entire last test. Energised and upbeat and smashing boundaries and taking catches.

Management doesn’t even think of separating them anymore. Lesson well learnt; Jos would say.

Jos can handle a few hours of Joe being upset. Hell, he will even give the younger a whole half day. But Jos cannot, repeat, CANNOT, go to bed without his boyfriend. So he decides to do something that he probably shouldn’t do. He goes into their bedroom, and logs onto Joe’s laptop.

He doesn’t need to try very hard to hack the six-digit pin really, 655665, doesn’t surprise him at all. Their test numbers. Ten away from each other. It makes Jos smile every single time. Even more so now that he knows it’s his boyfriend’s password for his fucking laptop. He’s such an angel.

_Time to find out what’s got him so upset._

The second the lock screen gives way, Jos’ face scrunches up in disbelief.

What in the fuck?

A love calculator????

Hello??

It isn’t even, like, a decent one??

It looks like it was made in 1832, and the graphics are actually _atrocious_ , if Jos says so himself. Not that he’s a graphic design artist or anything of the sort, but, seriously, what the fuck is this shit.

The history of names inputted into the calculator though, that throws him for a whole other one.

Jos and Joe.

Okay, that he expected.

But. Jos and … Louise????

What???

And _then._

Jos and _CRAIG?!!!!?????!?!?_

First of all, Jos is pretty sure that he is about as straight as a fucking sphere. Not even a circle. A sphere.

Second of all, why is Joe typing in other people’s names?

He goes with the first one, and is mildly offended when the calculator shows a bleak 41%.

Then, for some reason, he looks at the second one as well.

Oh.

Oh oh oh oh oh ohhhhh.

Yep. Nevermind. This, this makes a lot of sense.

Jos and Louise = 87%

And then, the third one.

Jos and Craig = 90%

Jos almost throws the laptop off him in disgust. What in the actual _shit._

Jos purses his lips, trying to think of something, that will fix this.

_Light bulb!!!!_

Jos quickly types two other names into the calculator, and almost dies laughing at the result. He has to remember to keep himself quiet, because his angry brooding boyfriend is right next door.

Right.

Well.

Jos’ entire five hours of worrying and panicking has just come to an end. Thank fucking god. To be honest, this is exactly the type of thing that the younger would get mad about. Joe has always been a bit jealous anyway- not very fond of Craig or Louise. Keeps telling Jos that _he_ wants him back, or that _she’s_ in love with him or something. Jos really couldn’t care less. _He’s_ too in love with a blonde-haired blue-eyed test captain of England with the most gorgeous cheekbones he’s ever seen.

He honestly doesn’t understand how Joe could ever be jealous of anyone. Even if it is kind of adorable. God Jos loves him so fucking much. He’s got a fond grin on his face as he quietly closes the laptop, and makes his way to the study with a screwdriver.

He manages to unlock the door, saunters straight in, and picks Joe up, throwing the younger over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes (sweet potatoes, obviously- Jos laughs at his own internally made pun). Joe squawks indignantly, demands to be released, but doesn’t fight his way out of Jos’ grip, probably because he’s terrified of being dropped. Well. Not really, because Jos is more than strong enough to hold him up, even without the assistance of a wall and… yeah, no, Jos won’t drop him. (Tried and tested, with more than reliable results.) Also, he likes being in Jos’ arms, even if he’s currently in a mood.

Joe audibly ‘hmpf’s when he’s deposited onto the bed, Jos’ weight sitting across his thighs to make sure he doesn’t try to escape.

“Is there something you need?” He says, glaring at the keeper, trying to cross his arms and look as intimidating as possible.

“Yes, as a matter of fact there is.”

“ _Really, well, how about you ask literally anybody else. Its very obvious I cannot help you right now, as I am incredibly busy.”_

“Joey. _Baby_.” Jos reaches for the laptop, and unlocks it right in front of his boyfriend’s eyes, opening right onto this stupid love calculator that has resulted in his boyfriend’s unhappiness for almost a quarter of the whole day. He places it beside them, and softly grasps the younger’s jaw. His hand is shaken off immediately.

“ _How_ did you figure out the password what-, have you been snooping, what the fuck, I swear on my life Joseph Buttler I will kill you if you hacked my laptop honestly and what are you even doing on that love calculator what do you even need to know other than the fact that you’re more compatible with _Louise_ \- or this man _Craig-“_

“Joey.”

“And honestly who even are they, who is Louise, I didn’t even know that was a fucking name, I have literally never ever even heard of the name Craig ever in my damn life, is he like, one of your friends or something, does he know Louise too, of course you must know both of them incredibly well and are very-

“Joe”

“Compatible with both of them so could you kindly get off me so that I can go back to brooding, I mean _working silently_ -”

“Joseph.”

“Alone in the study since we apparently are not fucking compatible at all and you may as well go be with Louise anyway since she’s so fucking perfect for you, or maybe you could go back to Craig and be a 90% match with him, honestly why do I even try with these things fuck my life-”

Jos grasps his boyfriend’s face in both hands, holding him there with so much care, coercing the younger to look at him. His eyes are glazed and his lip is bitten raw, and Jos just wants to _love him god fucking dammnit._

He leans forward, and presses a feather soft kiss to the boy’s lips.

“Fucking hell.” Jos looks intently into his boyfriend’s eyes. “I _love_ you Joey. God I love you _so much_.” Joe blinks rapidly, not exactly understanding what is going on. “I was so worried. All day I’ve been terrified that I did something to upset you and when you didn’t kiss me hello, I almost died.”

Joe just looks at him awe-struck. Wide eyes, blinking and face paling in concern.

“I- I didn’t kiss you hello?” The heartbroken expression on his face almost makes Jos break the laptop in half- because how fucking _dare_ it.

Jos smiles gently at him, running a consoling thumb against his boyfriend’s cheek and moves his hand toward the laptop. “Shush. Watch this.”

“No. I hate that thing. I don’t want to watch it. I hope it fucking dies”

“Baby, trust me?”

Joe remembers when Jos had first said that to him. On that Sri Lanka tour, when it was just the two of them out in the middle. A match they were definitely going to lose, especially when Joe had skied a ball straight into a fielder’s hands. Jos just held his forearm, didn’t let him leave the pitch, asked the umpire for a review. Joe remembers looking at him with absolute shock, almost anger, for wasting a review. Apparently, it was a no-ball.

They won the match. _Jos and Joe,_ won the match.

That was the first time Jos ever said that.

Joe trusted him long before that, and he didn’t even know it. It seems like such a trivial thing. But he does trust Jos, with more than his own life. He trusts Jos with Jos’ life, and, well, that’s the biggest compliment Joe would ever give anyone. He scrunches his nose, and nods, very begrudgingly.

Jos types in the two names he did earlier…

_Alastair and Jimmy._

9%

Joe has a bemused, shocked, disbelieving look on his face. Jos has _that_ grin on his face. The grin he only gets when he knows he’s won.

Jos softly presses the laptop shut, pushes it away, and grasps the youngers hands in his, intertwining their fingers.

“Will you kiss me hello now?”

Joe gives him one of his sunshine smiles, the ones he only ever gives to Jos, and leans forward, kissing him apologetically, as his grip on the keeper’s fingers tightens.

“Tell me again?”

“I love you Joey. I don’t love Louise, and I frankly don’t give two shits if she likes me. I sure as hell don’t like Craig, that chapter closed the moment I figured out you existed. I don’t care what that thing says- it’s clearly the most incorrect thing on this Earth, it gave Jimmy and Ali a fucking- NINE PERCENT, fuck that’s some shit if I’ve ever seen any, they’re so in love it makes Disney princesses _weep_.”

That gets a huff of laughter from his boyfriend, who is looking increasingly less angry, and more and more fluffy. “And angel, I don’t give a singular fuck about anything that isn’t you. It doesn’t matter what the dumbass calculator says, because we both suck at math anyway. I love you with all of me, and I don’t see where 41% fits into that.”

Joe is sort of staring at his beautiful boyfriend, maybe on the verge of tears, but, it’s valid. Because yes, he is terrified of losing Jos, and yes, maybe sometimes he gets jealous because Jos is just, so lovable, and he makes everyone fall in love with him, and yes, seeing that he falls 46% behind _her_ and 49% behind _him-_ did make him incredibly upset. So yes, he did ignore his boyfriend, (although, not completely consciously) for five hours, because he was jealous, and a little bit sad.

“Baby did you hear me? I said I love you.” Jos says again. Jos has never been shy to say it as many times as he needs to hear it. Joe collapses into his keeper’s chest, presses his face against the muscle, and tightly fists his hands in the material of his shirt. Jos brackets his arms around the younger, slowly playing his fingers across the smooth expanse of his back.

“I love you. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you hello. I’m sorry I almost didn’t come to bed. Just. Maybe you wanted someone else instead.” Joe says, muffled into Jos’ shirt.

Jos presses a kiss to the top of his head. “Never. I could never want anyone but you. I’m a bit too gone for you to even entertain the thought. And, I’d never, never let you go to bed alone. Do you not remember what happened in South Africa??? _And_ , you did kiss me hello. Just then. I wouldn’t mind if you did it again though. I’ve missed you all day.” Jos’ sunshiny grin is back, and Joe has to lean up to kiss him. Because he missed him. So much. Joe feels like an idiot. But he’s Jos’ idiot. And somehow, Jos always makes everything okay.

“I missed you too. So, so much.”

“How about you show me how much, hm?” Jos eyes are sparkling and his lips are inviting and Joe has no self-control when it comes to his boyfriend.

“Don’t go out with her again.” He breathes, as he pushes Jos back into the mattress, finally freeing his legs and climbing onto his boyfriend, tearing off his shirt.

Jos looks at him so lovingly, regardless of the overly possessive demand he’s just been given.

“Whatever you want angel, my phone is on the side table, you can delete her number right now. We both know I blocked his after what happened.” Joe looks at him in awe. Jos shakes his head and smiles. “I told you. I don’t care. I love you.” He places a soft hand on his boyfriend’s jaw, and this time, feels him lean into it, and then down toward him to kiss him.

***

Joe doesn’t delete her number, because he’s not insane, but he does spend three hours finding a different, much more accurate love calculator. Three entire hours, yep, but for all of them, he’s tucked safely into a sleeping Jos’ chest. Finally, after a good twenty trials across several websites, almost onto the sixth page of google- almost reaching the depths of the dark side of the internet, he gets a good, reliable result.

Jos and Craig = 0%

Jos and Louise = 0%

Jos and Joe = 98%

And just to make sure it’s a reliable, valid and accurate test…

Jimmy and Alistair = 100%

And yes, Jos is less than pleased to be woken up at 4am by a bright phone screen in his face, but when he sees what’s on it, he just rolls his eyes, takes the phone, screenshots the four results, and posts it to the group chat with the four of them. He then throws the phone into the beanbag in the corner of the room, and pulls his 98% match into his arms, nibbling softly at his ear.

“Whether it says 41 or 98, I love you. _Just you_.”

Joe turns himself around, refusing to leave his boyfriend’s arms for even a second.

“Just me?”

“Always.”

“I love you.”

“I know sweetheart.”

Ok, maybe they are a little gone for each other.

But they’re in love, so it’s more than okay.


End file.
